I've come to realize one thing recently:
It's genuinely true that I've been feeling "out-of-this-world" happy lately, specially given that I've started to develop real friendships with some people here in Lisbon, also that I've been taken care of VERY well both at home and at college, and that I've had a massive luck so far.
YET. I still don't feel like myself. I still feel very much out of place. Off-beat from everything. I don't know, I can't really type it down like that. I lack words to describe it.
I mean, something is missing.
I don't question my friendships on it, because I've met very dear people in college and here at home I'd feel lost and maybe even slightly depressed without my two roommates - though they get along with each other better than I do with each of them I think (normal, given how I don't feel like myself in the capital yet. Gradually getting there someday?), there's still an honest connection and I feel very safe and at home near them. I feel I'm going to be okay with them near me in the following years, perhaps we'd even develop a great friendship? BUT I still feel something is lacking IN ME to allow that.
The same about my college success. I've been doing quite good, I've been putting a nice effort (though I feel awful when realizing I don't work even half of what other people in this house work...), but something is lacking. I enjoy classes, I enjoy working on them, I enjoy everything. BUT there's an empty hole in the middle of all that enjoyment and I fail to realize what it is.
So, lately I've been happy, yes, but sliiightly frustrated and worried inside for now knowing what this is all about? I can't help it, it's the first time in a LONG, LONG time that I feel out of myself and this time I don't even know why. Homesickness, from being far from Leiria and everyone? It has been suggested a lot but somehow I don't really think that's all.
Obviously I'm not stopping myself from enjoying the most I can from all the wonderful moments that I've been experiencing here, so no worries :3 I'm sure the answer will come someday soon. Until then, let's work hard! ~ <3
I should go take a shower and then we're studying for the rest of the evening as usual.
Oyasuminasai ~
