So here's the post I promised to do for a couple of you last week. I'm so sorry because it looks messy and confusing, but even though I consider myself to be good with words, there are simply issues where this does not apply. Apparently, at the moment, this is one of these issues.
As most of you know, my number one career goal is to one day, go back to the wonderful high school I went to, back in Leiria - as a teacher. I have many, even countless, reasons for that. Reasons related to my childhood, reasons related to my passion, reasons connected with the people I met there and the ones that will be staying there until their retirement, reasons purely emotional, personal, heartfelt memories. It'd be absurd to try to dump all of it here. I trust that most of you can list a few reasons on your head if you know this goal of mine, so let's move on.
When I arrived here in this residence. I didn't know any of the girls. They all seemed very nice, but you just... Can't assume anything at first sight, right? Even now, I like them very very much, but I don't know them well enough so that I can go back to being my old self. It's very stupid, I've been told so and I KNOW SO myself very well, but it's... not up to my conscious self to decide how I act.
So I've been quiet. Awkward. I've been anti-social, I can't speak or express myself properly (lisp and muttering), I can EVEN speak most of the time (I just nod annoyingly and look like who the heck knows...), I can't think properly. I want to belong, but I don't feel I belong. I've been told I look uninterested, weak-minded, artificial and distant after moving here. And I do feel it, and I want to change that. But I just can't. For now.
ANYWAY, moving back to when I arrived. I ended up finding that one of the girls from the residence was from my high school. I had seen her before but never talked to her, but she recognized me. She and her sister are in med school so we have very few things in common. Thus, we rarely talk. I can't bring myself to initiate conversations either, not while being like this at least.
But somehow when I am near these two, I feel at home, at ease. With the youngest one, Barbara, it's like a part of the school I loved so so much was brought to remind me everyday of what I am doing here. When I feel lost and offbeat, I end up being brought back to thinking about what led me to this city. She's passionate and devoted to what she's doing, so not only her presence helps to boost my motivation, her personality also plays an important role in this. I feel like I could learn a lot with people like her. And in the middle of all of this, I hope that this little piece of my hometown that is present here may lead me to going back to my own self. The person I was back there. A full person again, and not the empty shell I feel I am at the moment. The small comfort I feel with them being around, even though we rarely talk and we don't have much connection, might just be what I need to get back in the right track.
With the oldest one, Mariana, it was something different. It was not related to my high school since it wasn't a familiar face. But something related to music. To piano, and you all know I've got this little thing for piano ever since I was very little. But never managed to grasp the courage to ask my parents fiercely about learning it because I was scared of my hearing loss. It pains me to push down one of the highest piano keys and not being able to hear the sound it produces. So I refused to play an instrument that I always adored from the bottom of my heart, but never managed to enjoy and play to its full content. And I went to dance instead of focusing on musical instruments. It went well, until I broke my foot. And now I'm back to doing nothing.
Anyway, I heard her rehearse on the piano a bit in the afternoon before the freshman welcoming party on Monday. It was simple and brief, but it was enough to make me leave the room for a while due to feeling my eyes getting watery. It's been so long since I've felt like that listening to someone play the piano. Basically, since Daisy passed away. It's been over two years already. I used to take so much pleasure in this kind of things, quietly listening to her playing, it's hard to describe. I was never able to feel that way again for a long time. It sounds silly, even for me, and I'm the silliness queen LOL. Yet I felt a bit like that again on Monday. After that day, I really want to get along with her as well. I can't explain what led me to feel that way or why I cared so much, since I've heard a lot of people play the piano in front of me before without me feeling anything similiar. Gradually, it's not only that that I got to discover. Just like her younger sister, she has that kind of charismatic mentality. The kind of people you seriously want to become genuine friends with, the kind of people you respect and cherish to absurd levels in the blink of an eye.
These two sisters, somehow reached something deep inside me. And they actually reached two very different things, which kind of amuses me. Both for their personalities and their talent, I respect and admire them a real lot. I seriously want to truely befriend them, to know more about them, to create an honest connection, a bond. I just find it really really hard to do so, for now, =w=' since I don't even act like myself lately.
Wow I should go sleep, I'm up in 6 hours from now.
Hopefully someday I'll be able to happily tell you that I've become good friends with them! But I'll have to revert to my old self first in order to be approachable again. Let's work hard! ~
